If I Had Known

I've been meaning to post about this for a long time now. My great sister-in-law, Hannah Belnap Porter, wrote this wonderful poem that I have to share. Now STOP! Don't exit my blog just yet. I know what you're thinking... "A poem? I don't read blogs to discover new poetry"... but trust me, just trust me, you won't be disappointed. Ben read it first and told me to check it out, that he was quite emotional reading it. The next day, I did, and emotional myself, read it again and again. So just trust me...read on...

Hannah put this together at Easter about her experiences as a Physician's Assistant (PA) student at the Cook County Jail in Chicago, supposedly a horrible, mean place to be imprisoned. She has spent the last two years getting her Graduate Degree there in Chicago, and at this particular rotation at the jail, found herself grappling with feelings and questions that I think we can all relate to at one point or another in our lives. A little explanation of the poem and how it came to be in an email she sent with the poem...

"I have had many, many difficult moments of grappling with why this world is so unfair, comparing my life to theirs. They just didn't seem to have a chance from day one. Born as crack babies. A childhood of abuse. Eye witnesses of shootings, murders, and overdoses. Inevitably, drugs become their escape from a living hell. And drugs land them right inside the Cook County Jail. They broke a law, and the punishment is fair and has to be. But these are real people, who, guilty or not, are still victims of an unfair playing field. And I'm not so sure I would have done much better in their shoes. Maybe. Hopefully. But I just don't know.

Remember King Benjamin's answer to people who think we should withhold our charity because "the man hath brought upon himself his misery" and his "punishments are just." "For behold," he says, "are we not all beggars?"

These are things I have grappled with, cried over, and prayed about. One day it all came together in a rush of emotion that became a poem. I want to share it with you all, because never before has the Easter message been so clear or so beautiful to me.'

If I Had Known

We were born on different planets, you and I.
Or, at least, on different footing.

But if I had known…
You had a gun when you were 9
I would have invited you to play.
I had a brand new jump rope.
But you were trying to kill yourself
With the gun you had when you were 9.

If I had known…
Your daddy was selling you when you were 4
I would have invited you to my house.
My dad would’ve told us bedtime stories about magical flying horses.
But you were trying to not feel the pain
While grown men passed you around when you were 4.

If I had known…
Your mom abandoned you when you were 7
You could have lived with me.
My mom would have taught you to frost sugar cookies too.
But you were all alone in the ‘projects’
A little boy abandoned at age 7.

If I had known…
Your dad was giving you cocaine when you were 6
You could have come over for dinner.
I would have shared my favorite—Mom’s lasagna.
But you were hungry, with a strange burn in your nose
Snorting cocaine when you were 6.

If I had known…
Your dad told you you’d “never be nothin’ but a whore” when you were 10
My dad could have told you the truth.
Just like he told me I could be anything I wanted to be.
But you believed your dad
With no one else to believe when you were 10.

If I had known…
Your grandpa was abusing you when you were 12
You could have visited my grandpa instead.
He let us swing around on the clothesline in the backyard.
But while I swung around you were having a baby
Pregnant by your grandpa at age 12.

If I had known…
You would be driven to sell yourself when you were 16
I would have taught you, my sister, about our Father.
And how the worth of all souls is great in His sight.
But you never heard that there was another option
Besides selling yourself over and over when you were 16.

If I had known…
Your husband would kick you in your pregnant stomach.
I could have taught you how to choose a husband.
Mine left me a message that same day, just to say he loved me.
But no one ever told you that you deserved more
Than a man who only knows how to kick.

If I had known…
You would get high and shake your baby when you were exactly my age
I would have come for your baby.
I would have sung him to sleep instead.
But your little baby is with God now
And you’re in jail, at exactly my age.

Dear God, with your unlimited power why do you let it all happen?

“What would you do, my child, if you had my unlimited power with your limited vision?
“Would you have saved them all from their suffering?”

Yes! If I had known…

“And with that power what would you have done at Carthage?
“What would you have done at Golgotha?
“Would you have stopped the suffering before it was done?
My child, aren’t you glad you don’t make those decisions.”

It is not for me to know…
Why I got all the blessings until there seemed to be none left for you.
I only know that where much is given much is expected.
There are those who are to serve and those who are to be served upon.
So because I have been given much, I too must give.
To you, the “least of these.”

For how long, and how much?
Until I have made up the difference
Between a gun and a jump rope.
Between sugar cookies and cocaine.
Between peace and fear.

Until I hear Him say,
“These deeds shall thy memorial be; Fear not, thou didst them unto me.”

Oh it is wonderful!
That He who judges when it counts knows the whole story.
That this life is only a glimpse of the soul’s life.
That “the Son of Man hath descended below them all.”
The purest of all pure stained with the foulest of all filth.
“Nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.”

And now you, little girl turned prostitute, still have a chance.
To rise from the filth and become even as the Purest of all pure.
And so does your grandpa.
And so do I.
Oh it is wonderful!

I stand all amazed.

-Hannah Porter